Phil Dunphy

"I’m the cool dad, that’s my thang. I’m hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face." - Phil Dunphy

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Dear Individual,

                 I have heard of the unfortunate circumstance regarding your special someone and hope to provide advice you can utilize in order to solve your problematic situation. Unfortunately, I know few details about your current relationship, so I must share general information about relationships that I have accumulated over a long and inspiring dating career. To begin with, buy your own tampons. Secondly, buy the condoms if you find yourself involved in a physically sexual relationship. After interacting with certain young men just the other day, I discovered that asking a gentleman to buy tampons may prove the most repulsive task ever asked of them. In fact, the reason why your boyfriend wishes to leave you in the first place may stem from that exact request. As you can see, I do not understand the word or concept of “filter;” one will discover only utter bluntness in my advice. To continue along this pattern, cut back on the southern fried okra. Allow me to introduce you to your new favorite friends: fruits, vegetables and discipline. Also, I luckily stumbled upon another useful tip during my younger years. Delve into the art of Zumba. This erotic dancing shapes the hips, making the men desire the lips. I do not know the location of your nearest gym, but I do know that the daily trip to work out that soon-to-be sexy bod can cause a dent in your gas money. So toss that Hummer you drive around town to the nearest cars salesman available and acquire a machine that acts a tad nicer to the environment. While also saving Mother Earth, your boyfriend will love you for downscaling the size of your vehicle, cutting the difference in proportion between your car and his red Prius. I hear my microwave in the kitchen beeping, informing me that tonight’s broccoli has cooked to perfection. Therefore, I must wrap this to a close, but not before I give you the most important advice you will hear in this letter. I save the best advice for last, so you must try and brace yourself. I admit, if anyone had told me this next tidbit of advice only a few years ago, I would have called them crazy. However, after reading the graphic novel, Watchmen by Dave Gibbons and Alan Moore, I came to fully understand the tastes and likes of the opposite sex. In actuality, you possess too much intelligence. This deems the reasoning behind your boyfriend’s departure. You must dumb yourself down so your I.Q. hovers around that of a toothpick. As clearly seen in the character, Laurie, from this novel, who plays two males at once, guys dig the shallow stupid girls. I hope my knowledge will allow you to make the necessary adjustments within your daily life and in turn bring your boyfriend running back to you.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Denzel at His Finest

I remember visiting my grandparents, who lived in New Jersey, and my cousins, who still live in Lincoln, Nebraska during my elementary years. My mother, two brothers and sister would endure the eight hour ride out to the east coast once a year to hang with my mother’s parents. My father on the other hand, seemed to always have work to do, ironically enough. Since Cleveland, Ohio to Lincoln, Nebraska tops the list of “The Longest and Most Boring Drives in the Country,” we chose to make the 16 hour drive once every three years or so. Despite this infrequency, one can imagine how much time my family spent in our Honda minivan. Since kids under the age of 13 cannot sit still in a car for more than an hour at a time, and since we frequently drove across the northeastern United States with four children under the age of 13, my mother permitted us to bring the portable television and VCR on our trips. These road trips allowed me to learn and memorize every line from the movie, “Remember the Titans.” Often times seen up to three separate times on a road trip, I quickly became acquainted with the characters and actor of Denzel Washington. At my young age, I did not understand the importance of the racial segregation depicted within the movie, or the appreciation for the movie’s fantastic soundtrack, or the talent of the actors, or even the comical quotes and scenes captured by the filmmakers. I just loved to watch football. About a month ago, I found myself browsing the channels on my television and stumbled upon the astounding film featured on ABC Family. Denzel Washington huddled up his football team in the locker room before their first game, looked at each of his players and told them, “Like all the other schools in this conference, they (the opponent) are all white. They don't have to worry about race. We do. But let me tell you something: you don't let anyone come between us. Nothing tears us apart.” After Denzel finished his sentence, I wished nothing more than to go back in time and join the Civil Rights March on Washington. Excuse me, for I find myself jumping ahead and confusing those who have yet to experience the thrill of watching this movie. Allow me to provide a brief synopsis. Based on a true story, “Remember the Titans” begins with the integration of blacks and whites into a Virginia high school by the name of T.C. Williams in 1971. Teammates on the football team hate each other based on the color of each other’s skin. Even the coaches have trouble getting along. However, against impossible odds, these high school boys find a way to turn their animosity into brotherhood, weaving an inspiring tale one cannot miss. Every moment in “Remember the Titans” on and off the football field carries a wide range of emotions from that of misery to exhilaration. Denzel Washington’s character as coach of the T.C. Williams football team, constantly inspires his audience with quotes of community, pride and morality. To this day, my brothers and I quote the movie, when we remember the Titans.